My f***ed up relationship with food.....
From the age of 12 I had a turbulent relationship with food. That's a polite way of saying it ........ it was a toxic, f***ed up relationship, the type of friendship you'd end in a heartbeat. I hated IT and IT hated me. Every time I ate I felt an intense pain. I was reassured, by well meaning adults, that I was only experiencing the unpleasant feeling of eating too much. I tried eating less. It didn't help. So I ate less. And less. And even less. It helped somewhat. And so I maintained a strict protocol of eating just one meal a day - dinner. I only ate this because I had to eat in front of my parents at dinner. So it as the one meal I couldn't get out of.
My 'process' reduced the pain to a few hours rather than a whole day experience. I was frustrated that I didn't lose weight (my secondary reason for my 'process'). I looked even more yellow. 'Sallow-skinned' they called it. I was so yellow I WAS Lisa Simpson. A perfect caricature - saxophone-playing, book-reading, liberal-minded, forever misunderstood by her family. The black sheep. But in yellow.
My frustration led to an exploration of other weight loss methods. Mainly diuretics and bulimia. Living in a tiny house with zero privacy made these methods tricky but not impossible.
I was constantly tired and depressed. I was exhausted, at age 14! Lonely and isolated. Depressed and angry. I hated everyone and everything and I did not know why. Above all else I hated myself. I never showed this anger to the world. I turned it inward. As most girls do. I sank into silence and hid from the world.
I am now nearly 40 years old. I have spent the last 2 decades experimenting with my wellbeing, testing out different approaches to food, various types of exercise, activities to help my mental and emotional state. Learning how to eat well was the longest most frustrating endeavour I have ever taken on. It took years of research both off and on the internet. Through trialling different methods on myself and reflecting on what works for body, mind and spirit I have come to one clear conclusion - I NEED TO CHANGE THE WAY I THINK ABOUT FOOD.
But I needed to go one step further............I had to END MY TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD